I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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