Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
