So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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