Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
two words: eviction party
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
