Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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