I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
