did you get engaged???
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize