i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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