Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
