ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
