the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
