k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
