He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
