The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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