Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize