I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
