I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Oh god it's open bar.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
