i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
