Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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