we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
