I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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