I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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