I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
