someone get that fucking seahorse.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
