your parents love me but you hate me
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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