I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
my being single is dangerous.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
