Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
