Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
