I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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