oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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