Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
It's blow job season.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
