Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
