i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize