I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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