my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
