i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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