I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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