I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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