My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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