every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
