A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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