I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
