No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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