I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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