I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
