Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize