I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I think I am morally bankrupt
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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