So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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