i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
