neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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