So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
wow bdsm is so cute
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
