Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
