So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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