My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
