That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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