Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
