dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
