we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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