I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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