so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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