everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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