he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize