Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
