it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
