I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
