im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
