I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
