she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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