There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
